Love is a funny thing. You never know when you will feel it, it just happens, like a switch just goes off in your brain and you can’t help it. You know when people mean it and when they don’t. You can see it in people’s eyes and the way they look at each other. It’s the kind of magic you can’t predict or give reason for.
When you have felt love once you never expect to feel it again. Mr Awesome knew he loved me after three dates. He told me. I didn’t doubt it. I knew he did. I could feel it…his want to be with me. To do anything to make me happy. To go out of his way for me. To protect me. Even after his death his love still fills my heart it doesn’t stop. I feel it everyday, when I’m sad it sends a warm feeling through every inch of me and when I think about him or hear his name mentioned. He set my life up for me. He made sure I was looked after and I could live comfortably, something he always strived to do when he was alive. I never thought that I could do it again. To feel that connection with someone. To feel that someone cared about me again so deeply. I never thought this would happen twice.
Starting over in a new relationship is always hard for anyone. When you are a widow it’s twice as hard. The fear of losing someone is so strong it makes you doubt, overthink, panic, back away. Mr Sporty was just that special person. He came along at a low point in my life. When I wasn’t sure if dating was for me. When I doubted myself and the things that had happened in the past; there was just something about him. Something that was worth the risk and this time my instinct was not to run and leave and sabotage but to stay and feel and give it a go. This time I felt safe. This time he wanted me to stay.
When I first met him I was apprehensive, nervous and unsure. Dates had always gone a bit wrong before; this time felt different. We laughed and joked and talked for hours and the time flew by. There was a couple of moments that I thought he might try and kiss me and I really wanted him to but it was like we were a couple of unsure teenagers waiting for the other person to say what we wanted to hear. There was a connection and I could feel it. After he kissed me, I knew I wanted to see him again. My smile on the way home said it all. I felt scared and unsure of my feelings and what was happening but the more we spoke the more it felt right and the more I knew.
I knew this time. He wanted to see me. Spend time with me. Chat to me. Talk on the phone. He was present. He wanted to be with me and I just felt safe. When he wrapped me up in his embrace and told me he wanted to be there. He meant it. He wasnt afraid. The feelings of uncertainty and insecurity weren’t there. He wanted to know about me and Mr Awesome. He was interested in learning all about me. He was attracted to my honesty and we just clicked. I was open with everything. I had nothing to hide from him and I didn’t want to. I had got tired of sugarcoating my position in the past. When he kissed me I felt an electricity, a passion, an intimacy, I had not felt in a very long time. I wanted to know more about him. I wanted to spend time with him.
After our fourth date, and he met my family, I could see in his eyes how he felt about me. I still can. Some things you just know. I’d seen that look before. I knew. He was secure in how he felt about me and wasn’t afraid or ashamed to say it and what I knew was this time it felt right and I was ready and I knew. My brain knew what was happening. It was scary but I knew and my brain knew and my heart and my gut knew and this time I was happy. This time felt right. This time it was worth the risk.

When I think back to everything I’ve been through I feel a sense of pride. I’m proud to be the person I am today. I am compassionate and understanding, I feel love deeply, I’m loyal and I have a lot of time for people in my life.

Yesterday was a strange day. Filled with both happiness and upset. Yesterday was a ‘suck it in and man up’ kind of day. I suppose I got tired of being understanding of people. I got tired of people picking faults with me. I got tired of people not understanding me. I just got tired of it all. Sometimes I think back to everything that I’ve been through and realise that this is nothing major. My life will carry on whether I choose people to be in it or not. That things aren’t a judgment on my character but a question of someone else’s judgment on me. I don’t want negativity in my life or conflict? those things I never want. I will always walk away from that. It is not my loss. Maybe it’s not even a loss but a way to make room for something else?

Yesterday through the upset I felt calm. I felt in control. I felt that someone was listening and they were. Yesterday I understood that there are people in my life who care about me. Make me smile. Make me laugh when I’m upset, understand me and want the best for me and for that I’m very lucky. It was a day full of upset but also peace and happiness, laughter and understanding.

Yesterday made me realise that there are people who want to know me and that want to help me, that make me smile through the pain, that make me feel safe and secure in who I am and what it means. Yesterday was a realisation that sometimes if you want something badly enough the universe always delivers. Mine just came in the form of ice cream and a big smile. For that I am definitely grateful. Always keep moving forwards.

Stevie x

Yesterday was hard. Yesterday was one of those days that you wish didn’t happen. That you could edit parts of it to make it perfect; life doesn’t work that way.
I’ve been thinking about myself and trust recently. A lot in fact. After Mr Vogue contacted me again after all that time, I had almost forgotten what it felt like to be annoyed. To feel the anger rise in front of you. That text overwhelmed me, it caught me off guard, when things were breaking down with Mr P and after the anniversary of Mr Awesome’s death. It floored me. Out of the blue, after it took so long to get over his lies and deceit, after it took so much for me to be able to trust again. Yet here he was. I felt annoyed to get those feelings back again.  I did get over it. I always do. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt but you get used to the pain. It’s just the way you deal with it that really matters.

I worry sometimes that I’m a little naive when it comes to trust. I trusted Mr Awesome with everything. He trusted me completely. At the end of his life, he knew he could trust me to make the decisions he wanted. In our relationship I was never jealous. I never needed to know where he was. He always made time to be with me so I didn’t need to worry about it. I was always reassured. Life was just easy. I was secure with who I was and our relationship and I didn’t feel needy or alone or unsure. I have felt recently that maybe I have settled for a lot less than what I was used to, in the hope that the trust would be reciprocated but yet, it wasn’t.
Sometimes when I think about other people, trust is an issue to them especially guys who have had their hearts broken before. They dont trust. They don’t take the risk. I wanted to because I know what it means to have it. What I found was that they felt the need to lie about little things to keep themselves safe. To stop them from hurting others. To keep their lives ticking along like clockwork. To not feel the guilt associated with hurting someone they cared about. Sometimes I don’t even think people realise they are doing it. It becomes the norm to them to hide the truth to protect themselves. After the tooing and froing with Mr Vogue all my anger and hurt was out in the open. I don’t think he even realised how much he hurt me. He apologised. He said he never meant to hurt me delibrately. He said that he was a fool and that he realised now how much he had hurt me. He said he was silly because of how things could have been and he was so very sorry for the pain he had caused me. It was then I realised I didn’t want him in my life. He had said what I needed to hear. After all that time I could leave it be. That it wasn’t me. It was him. I had moved on from it. I could let it lie. He apologised and I forgave him. It was and is that simple. I don’t hold grudges. I forgive and I trust. I don’t need much but honesty means so much to me.
Mr P was another loss but this time I couldn’t let it be. We had made an agreement and we needed to sort it out. It wasn’t like me. I’m normally a passive person. I let things be. This time I couldn’t, it meant too much to me. He knew it did but yet couldn’t find the respect for me to do what was best. He had lied and that hurt. It didn’t matter about the lie so much, it was the avoidance of the truth that he felt the need to do which hurt me more. I thought I missed something in the beginning but all I knew was that trust was important to me and I had trusted him. I was sad. I was angry because I felt sad but the anger was filtered out by disappointment and the hurt. I realised from his messages they didn’t mean anything to him. He didn’t mean them. They were just words on a page to him. They weren’t sincere, there was no truth in them. He didn’t know me and I realised he didnt even know my proper name. He hadn’t even taken time to find out the importance of my real name. I didn’t mean enough to him to know that and that hurt a lot. When you know someone you understand them, you trust them, you find out about them. He knew nothing about me. His life was his own and he hadn’t taken the time to understand or know me and I allowed that to happen. It was trust. I invested trust and time into him but he couldn’t reciprocate that and didn’t want to, in the end it lead to a mess that could have been easily avoided and now I was hurt all over again. I felt naive and a fool that I had allowed this to happen again. I had trusted him with my feelings and my stories. I had been intimate with him and helped him. I was upset that I had allowed someone into my life, only to be hurt again. I wondered if I could ever trust again.
It was then that I lay down and cried. A sob. Not just because of Mr P but because of me, that I had allowed this to get this far once again and for me to feel this pain again because of who I was. I am a trusting person. I am loyal and I understand people. I always have. The people that are close to me and in my life know me. I’m not malicious or callous. I don’t deliberately upset people. I go out of my way to avoid negativity and conflict. I like helping people and giving my time to help them. I feel for other people. I have so much empathy that sometimes it hurts. Even through all of that. All of that pain, I didn’t feel hate or anger. I couldn’t because I was so sad. Sad that someone hadn’t understood me again. The pain of the loss I deal with everyday resurfaces more when I feel that way. Everytime I open my eyes, read a book, play with my little one, it’s there and now something else on top of all of that is an extra burden. People don’t get it. To let someone into your life after loss is hard, it has to be based on trust. You have lost so much but you are willing to risk it all again. I knew I had and I probably would again.  It was then, through the tears, that I realised that I wasn’t a fool. I wasn’t naive. I shouldn’t be ashamed of myself because I chose to see the good in someone. My core values include trust. It’s what I need to build a relationship, whether it be work, friendship, intimacy or love, trust is everything. I need to know that I can trust someone before they make a mark on my life. I will always be that person. It’s why the right people have stayed in my life and don’t leave. They want that trust they want to feel it and feel safe knowing I care and love them regardless of their flaws and faults and I will, I always will because it’s who I am. People in my life use that trust and build on it. It’s a basis for everything. Mr J actually said it in his message. When I said how sad I was about the whole thing he asked me why? Because I had more heart than some people? That I have the capacity to trust? That they were virtues not vices. He was right. Like he always was. I needed to trust people and I would do it again. It’s not a reflection of your character if you trust someone who isnt trustworthy. It’s not up to me to prove myself right. If I give trust it’s there because I believe in someone; why should I not give it again. I will. I always will. I can’t change, not my core values. What I wanted is for someone to get it. To trust me enough to let me in. To allow me to be me. Just sometimes, sometimes, I wish I didn’t have to doubt myself before I realised it. Next time I will show that trust and be proud of it. It’s part of who I am.

Today felt like a great day. For the first time in a while I was feeling more like myself, I was positive and full of hope.

As I dropped my little one off and I set off through the countryside, I felt at peace. I wasn’t thinking about anything other than where I was going. I couldn’t help but reminisce about the times I would cycle with Mr Awesome through the moors. Taking in the views and him teasing me with his bum wiggles on his bike. It made me giggle as I watched the scenery move past.

I waited at the traffic lights for a while and wondered about my life and what it had in store. How I am beginning to trust the journey and where it takes me. How grateful I am for everything I have and being able to live my life.

As I drove up onto the moors to meet my friend, I looked out over the landscape and felt the fresh breeze on my face. I missed being out in nature. As we walked and talked, I forgot about my troubles. I forgot the grief and the pain and the hurt and I felt at ease. Listening to someone else eases my mind. It helps me recalibrate. It helps me refocus and not dwell on my life for a change. As I sat and listened to their stories and watched the landscape, there was no other sound but the wind and their voice. I felt at peace. I felt happy.

As the rain set in I didn’t really notice it. Except squelching the muddy puddles under my feet, as we laughed about stories and joked. It was just what I needed today. To get out and feel nature on my face. I also felt something else, something I hadnt felt for a while, a connection with someone. I wasn’t playing a game, it wasn’t hard. It was easy. The conversation flowed and I felt safe like I could be myself completely and it not matter. I let my guard down and it felt good.

On the way home I had a smile on my face. Being out in the moors again had eased my doubt. It had helped me to refocus. It had helped me clear my head. It helped me to make a decision.

Decisions are hard. When your head tells you one thing and your heart tells you another and your intuition is on red alert. Sometimes I wish people would prove me wrong. That they would be a champion for themselves, that they would respect and understand me enough…but they don’t, not always, and I suppose I should not expect that of anyone. No-one understands unless you really know someone. When you take the time to understand them that is how friendships and connections grow. It was at that point I realised my decision was right. I was not to blame. It wasn’t me. I was being me. I was following through with my side of the bargain. It was my decision. I had chosen to trust and I did and didn’t regret it. It was not my place to prove myself right but theirs.

Sometimes people are facing their own demons. Everyone is fighting their own battles or loss of some kind. Who am I to judge? I can merely ask and hope their words ring with honesty and not doubt.

I am patient and understanding. I’m kind. I think about other people’s feelings. I feel. I am. Others are not me. This time what I felt was let down and sad and unsure. Not a place I wanted to be. It was then I realised that this place, the place I thought I wanted to be, was not in fact where I wanted to be at all. The more I realised, the more at peace I was. This whole process was hard but now it was time to sort it out and move on. Lingering somewhere is not a place I am comfortable with. I am worth more. I earn respect but I don’t need it. Relationships are built on trust and this one had completely broken down.

This time was the last time. Now it was time to start afresh. I felt renewed and recharged and ready to take on my next road.

The roads on my journey are never filled with regret. They are filled with opportunities to be given the chance to choose the destination. To opt for a different road or change direction. I was learning to follow where I needed to go and understand that some things you have to lose to gain something better. This path seemed a better place for my life so I moved over to a different road today one facing less difficulties.

Today when I started so positive, I met an obstacle, a set back on my journey; I can’t stop and give up. I have to find a way over or round it. Sometimes it takes a while, other times not so much. Today I had a small set back but I was on a good road and I wanted to stay on this one for a while. I left the obstacle behind. I was ready for a new adventure on my road. It was time to pick myself up and keep on going. Nothing gets me down for long. What is meant to be will always find its way. Today I just found a different way.

This my very first post and it has been three years in the making. I hope this helps you as much as it has helped me to write it. Grief is so complicated and makes you unsure. Every grief journey is different, there is not a certain way you should behave or a certain way you should grieve. Grief comes in many forms whether it is through the death of a loved one or a loss of a relationship. I have realised that loss occurs in many different ways and for many different reasons. It is your journey and yours alone, no-one can judge you on that.

These are merely some posts that are my thoughts, practical advice for parents and carers, feelings, letters, the crazy world of dating after loss and some of the emotions that I have felt along the way. Hopefully you can take some comfort from them. Stay positive. Stevie x