Today felt like a great day. For the first time in a while I was feeling more like myself, I was positive and full of hope.

As I dropped my little one off and I set off through the countryside, I felt at peace. I wasn’t thinking about anything other than where I was going. I couldn’t help but reminisce about the times I would cycle with Mr Awesome through the moors. Taking in the views and him teasing me with his bum wiggles on his bike. It made me giggle as I watched the scenery move past.

I waited at the traffic lights for a while and wondered about my life and what it had in store. How I am beginning to trust the journey and where it takes me. How grateful I am for everything I have and being able to live my life.

As I drove up onto the moors to meet my friend, I looked out over the landscape and felt the fresh breeze on my face. I missed being out in nature. As we walked and talked, I forgot about my troubles. I forgot the grief and the pain and the hurt and I felt at ease. Listening to someone else eases my mind. It helps me recalibrate. It helps me refocus and not dwell on my life for a change. As I sat and listened to their stories and watched the landscape, there was no other sound but the wind and their voice. I felt at peace. I felt happy.

As the rain set in I didn’t really notice it. Except squelching the muddy puddles under my feet, as we laughed about stories and joked. It was just what I needed today. To get out and feel nature on my face. I also felt something else, something I hadnt felt for a while, a connection with someone. I wasn’t playing a game, it wasn’t hard. It was easy. The conversation flowed and I felt safe like I could be myself completely and it not matter. I let my guard down and it felt good.

On the way home I had a smile on my face. Being out in the moors again had eased my doubt. It had helped me to refocus. It had helped me clear my head. It helped me to make a decision.

Decisions are hard. When your head tells you one thing and your heart tells you another and your intuition is on red alert. Sometimes I wish people would prove me wrong. That they would be a champion for themselves, that they would respect and understand me enough…but they don’t, not always, and I suppose I should not expect that of anyone. No-one understands unless you really know someone. When you take the time to understand them that is how friendships and connections grow. It was at that point I realised my decision was right. I was not to blame. It wasn’t me. I was being me. I was following through with my side of the bargain. It was my decision. I had chosen to trust and I did and didn’t regret it. It was not my place to prove myself right but theirs.

Sometimes people are facing their own demons. Everyone is fighting their own battles or loss of some kind. Who am I to judge? I can merely ask and hope their words ring with honesty and not doubt.

I am patient and understanding. I’m kind. I think about other people’s feelings. I feel. I am. Others are not me. This time what I felt was let down and sad and unsure. Not a place I wanted to be. It was then I realised that this place, the place I thought I wanted to be, was not in fact where I wanted to be at all. The more I realised, the more at peace I was. This whole process was hard but now it was time to sort it out and move on. Lingering somewhere is not a place I am comfortable with. I am worth more. I earn respect but I don’t need it. Relationships are built on trust and this one had completely broken down.

This time was the last time. Now it was time to start afresh. I felt renewed and recharged and ready to take on my next road.

The roads on my journey are never filled with regret. They are filled with opportunities to be given the chance to choose the destination. To opt for a different road or change direction. I was learning to follow where I needed to go and understand that some things you have to lose to gain something better. This path seemed a better place for my life so I moved over to a different road today one facing less difficulties.

Today when I started so positive, I met an obstacle, a set back on my journey; I can’t stop and give up. I have to find a way over or round it. Sometimes it takes a while, other times not so much. Today I had a small set back but I was on a good road and I wanted to stay on this one for a while. I left the obstacle behind. I was ready for a new adventure on my road. It was time to pick myself up and keep on going. Nothing gets me down for long. What is meant to be will always find its way. Today I just found a different way.