Yesterday was hard. Yesterday was one of those days that you wish didn’t happen. That you could edit parts of it to make it perfect; life doesn’t work that way.
I’ve been thinking about myself and trust recently. A lot in fact. After Mr Vogue contacted me again after all that time, I had almost forgotten what it felt like to be annoyed. To feel the anger rise in front of you. That text overwhelmed me, it caught me off guard, when things were breaking down with Mr P and after the anniversary of Mr Awesome’s death. It floored me. Out of the blue, after it took so long to get over his lies and deceit, after it took so much for me to be able to trust again. Yet here he was. I felt annoyed to get those feelings back again.  I did get over it. I always do. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt but you get used to the pain. It’s just the way you deal with it that really matters.

I worry sometimes that I’m a little naive when it comes to trust. I trusted Mr Awesome with everything. He trusted me completely. At the end of his life, he knew he could trust me to make the decisions he wanted. In our relationship I was never jealous. I never needed to know where he was. He always made time to be with me so I didn’t need to worry about it. I was always reassured. Life was just easy. I was secure with who I was and our relationship and I didn’t feel needy or alone or unsure. I have felt recently that maybe I have settled for a lot less than what I was used to, in the hope that the trust would be reciprocated but yet, it wasn’t.
Sometimes when I think about other people, trust is an issue to them especially guys who have had their hearts broken before. They dont trust. They don’t take the risk. I wanted to because I know what it means to have it. What I found was that they felt the need to lie about little things to keep themselves safe. To stop them from hurting others. To keep their lives ticking along like clockwork. To not feel the guilt associated with hurting someone they cared about. Sometimes I don’t even think people realise they are doing it. It becomes the norm to them to hide the truth to protect themselves. After the tooing and froing with Mr Vogue all my anger and hurt was out in the open. I don’t think he even realised how much he hurt me. He apologised. He said he never meant to hurt me delibrately. He said that he was a fool and that he realised now how much he had hurt me. He said he was silly because of how things could have been and he was so very sorry for the pain he had caused me. It was then I realised I didn’t want him in my life. He had said what I needed to hear. After all that time I could leave it be. That it wasn’t me. It was him. I had moved on from it. I could let it lie. He apologised and I forgave him. It was and is that simple. I don’t hold grudges. I forgive and I trust. I don’t need much but honesty means so much to me.
Mr P was another loss but this time I couldn’t let it be. We had made an agreement and we needed to sort it out. It wasn’t like me. I’m normally a passive person. I let things be. This time I couldn’t, it meant too much to me. He knew it did but yet couldn’t find the respect for me to do what was best. He had lied and that hurt. It didn’t matter about the lie so much, it was the avoidance of the truth that he felt the need to do which hurt me more. I thought I missed something in the beginning but all I knew was that trust was important to me and I had trusted him. I was sad. I was angry because I felt sad but the anger was filtered out by disappointment and the hurt. I realised from his messages they didn’t mean anything to him. He didn’t mean them. They were just words on a page to him. They weren’t sincere, there was no truth in them. He didn’t know me and I realised he didnt even know my proper name. He hadn’t even taken time to find out the importance of my real name. I didn’t mean enough to him to know that and that hurt a lot. When you know someone you understand them, you trust them, you find out about them. He knew nothing about me. His life was his own and he hadn’t taken the time to understand or know me and I allowed that to happen. It was trust. I invested trust and time into him but he couldn’t reciprocate that and didn’t want to, in the end it lead to a mess that could have been easily avoided and now I was hurt all over again. I felt naive and a fool that I had allowed this to happen again. I had trusted him with my feelings and my stories. I had been intimate with him and helped him. I was upset that I had allowed someone into my life, only to be hurt again. I wondered if I could ever trust again.
It was then that I lay down and cried. A sob. Not just because of Mr P but because of me, that I had allowed this to get this far once again and for me to feel this pain again because of who I was. I am a trusting person. I am loyal and I understand people. I always have. The people that are close to me and in my life know me. I’m not malicious or callous. I don’t deliberately upset people. I go out of my way to avoid negativity and conflict. I like helping people and giving my time to help them. I feel for other people. I have so much empathy that sometimes it hurts. Even through all of that. All of that pain, I didn’t feel hate or anger. I couldn’t because I was so sad. Sad that someone hadn’t understood me again. The pain of the loss I deal with everyday resurfaces more when I feel that way. Everytime I open my eyes, read a book, play with my little one, it’s there and now something else on top of all of that is an extra burden. People don’t get it. To let someone into your life after loss is hard, it has to be based on trust. You have lost so much but you are willing to risk it all again. I knew I had and I probably would again.  It was then, through the tears, that I realised that I wasn’t a fool. I wasn’t naive. I shouldn’t be ashamed of myself because I chose to see the good in someone. My core values include trust. It’s what I need to build a relationship, whether it be work, friendship, intimacy or love, trust is everything. I need to know that I can trust someone before they make a mark on my life. I will always be that person. It’s why the right people have stayed in my life and don’t leave. They want that trust they want to feel it and feel safe knowing I care and love them regardless of their flaws and faults and I will, I always will because it’s who I am. People in my life use that trust and build on it. It’s a basis for everything. Mr J actually said it in his message. When I said how sad I was about the whole thing he asked me why? Because I had more heart than some people? That I have the capacity to trust? That they were virtues not vices. He was right. Like he always was. I needed to trust people and I would do it again. It’s not a reflection of your character if you trust someone who isnt trustworthy. It’s not up to me to prove myself right. If I give trust it’s there because I believe in someone; why should I not give it again. I will. I always will. I can’t change, not my core values. What I wanted is for someone to get it. To trust me enough to let me in. To allow me to be me. Just sometimes, sometimes, I wish I didn’t have to doubt myself before I realised it. Next time I will show that trust and be proud of it. It’s part of who I am.