Love is a funny thing. You never know when you will feel it, it just happens, like a switch just goes off in your brain and you can’t help it. You know when people mean it and when they don’t. You can see it in people’s eyes and the way they look at each other. It’s the kind of magic you can’t predict or give reason for.
When you have felt love once you never expect to feel it again. Mr Awesome knew he loved me after three dates. He told me. I didn’t doubt it. I knew he did. I could feel it…his want to be with me. To do anything to make me happy. To go out of his way for me. To protect me. Even after his death his love still fills my heart it doesn’t stop. I feel it everyday, when I’m sad it sends a warm feeling through every inch of me and when I think about him or hear his name mentioned. He set my life up for me. He made sure I was looked after and I could live comfortably, something he always strived to do when he was alive. I never thought that I could do it again. To feel that connection with someone. To feel that someone cared about me again so deeply. I never thought this would happen twice.
Starting over in a new relationship is always hard for anyone. When you are a widow it’s twice as hard. The fear of losing someone is so strong it makes you doubt, overthink, panic, back away. Mr Sporty was just that special person. He came along at a low point in my life. When I wasn’t sure if dating was for me. When I doubted myself and the things that had happened in the past; there was just something about him. Something that was worth the risk and this time my instinct was not to run and leave and sabotage but to stay and feel and give it a go. This time I felt safe. This time he wanted me to stay.
When I first met him I was apprehensive, nervous and unsure. Dates had always gone a bit wrong before; this time felt different. We laughed and joked and talked for hours and the time flew by. There was a couple of moments that I thought he might try and kiss me and I really wanted him to but it was like we were a couple of unsure teenagers waiting for the other person to say what we wanted to hear. There was a connection and I could feel it. After he kissed me, I knew I wanted to see him again. My smile on the way home said it all. I felt scared and unsure of my feelings and what was happening but the more we spoke the more it felt right and the more I knew.
I knew this time. He wanted to see me. Spend time with me. Chat to me. Talk on the phone. He was present. He wanted to be with me and I just felt safe. When he wrapped me up in his embrace and told me he wanted to be there. He meant it. He wasnt afraid. The feelings of uncertainty and insecurity weren’t there. He wanted to know about me and Mr Awesome. He was interested in learning all about me. He was attracted to my honesty and we just clicked. I was open with everything. I had nothing to hide from him and I didn’t want to. I had got tired of sugarcoating my position in the past. When he kissed me I felt an electricity, a passion, an intimacy, I had not felt in a very long time. I wanted to know more about him. I wanted to spend time with him.
After our fourth date, and he met my family, I could see in his eyes how he felt about me. I still can. Some things you just know. I’d seen that look before. I knew. He was secure in how he felt about me and wasn’t afraid or ashamed to say it and what I knew was this time it felt right and I was ready and I knew. My brain knew what was happening. It was scary but I knew and my brain knew and my heart and my gut knew and this time I was happy. This time felt right. This time it was worth the risk.